Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Ahhh, spare time. I've been lolling in it, interestingly since the start of finals week. The thought of a whole week devoted to final exams evoked a eye-widening, knee-shivering fear of sleep deprivation and consequent dementia -- I was way off. Finals, thus far in my college career, are not a huge deal. The only final remaining is my literature final, and seeing as I aced the midterm I'm not all that concerned.

Gah. Already the scholarship scramble begins. I think part of my plane ride home will be devoted to concocting some sincere-sounding pleas for money (read: writing/tinkering with those damn essays). Thing of it is, because of that crazy Alaskan notion of free money, I have a nice little wodge tucked away, that, combined with two working parents and a sibling not yet in college (why couldn't I be the younger one?), causes me the heartache of an unfavorable FAFSA. Thus, need-based scholarships aren't very lenient on me. I'm not complaining, or at least I'm not trying to. Obviously, other people need scholarships more than I do, but that "look out for number one" part of my brain is trying to beat down the guilt-ridden part.

Scratching items off of my to-do list left and right today. Shopping, mail, textbooks -- I feel productive. If I were truly productive, I'd be studying for my lit final, but I'll have time tomorrow to that. Why not procrastinate in the meantime?

Going home in two days. T-minus. More and more, I have this impending sense of caution. I don't expect everything to be the same, but how can I expect things to be different? I don't know what to anticipate. A "you can never go back" sort of thing? A "nothing's changed" sort of thing? A combination platter of the two? The fear isn't really that people will be different; the fear is that I'll be different. And I don't know how. I'm probably over-thinking this. Anyhow. Off to assemble a list of essays to write on the plane.

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