Saturday, April 17, 2004

First things first: My Creme Egg hunt would have been a bust were it not for Meg and her donation to the cause.

Now we get to the sticky center of the last few weeks. I don't make any secrets about the fact that I, like everyone and their sister it seems, had/have what most people call "problems with depression." It's kind of a conversation killer, so I don't wear on my sleeve. This is, lately I've been feeling more and more like garbage. When I'm alone, it's crushingly lonely and I want to be surrounded by my friends. But when I'm with my friends, I start to feel frustrated and snippy. Sometimes I can't even relax around Kyle. It's full of catch 22s like this -- I can keep it at bay when I'm having fun (hanging out with people, taking pictures, etc), but if I have a moment to breathe, it swoops in on me. The only difference between this and the episodes in Alaska is I can't always tell what's making me feel so empty.

Last night, I went with Kyle, Marie, and Megan to Shawn's room for a little bit of alcoholic fun. We watched "Igby Goes Down" -- one of my favorites -- and enjoyed Corona and Mike's. As I expected, I felt better when buzzed, but there was still internal debate. This was the first time in almost 3 years that I'd been drunk. I didn't want the buzz to go away, and that was frightening. That's kind of a substance abuse sort of attitude. I've been feeling guilty all day, and I think it's because I let myself get out of hand. I want to issue a mass apology for myself, but that's self-pitying.

It doesn't especially help that some of my online Alaskan pals are conspiring to work in a cannery together for six weeks during the summer; slime line plus overtime plus Katie, Sophie, Ness, and whoever else equals a complete blast. And I'm not going to be there. It's torture to read their plans on livejournal. I'm homesick, even though leaving Anchorage was something I looked forward to with anticipation and excitement for years. It's stupid and immature, but I feel like I'm being left behind.

The questions thing from the previous post still stands. Ask me anything.

No comments: