Friday, March 12, 2004

At this point, I really wish I were more spiritual than I am. I wish I could believe in something bigger than myself that we all belong to. My substitute for religion is a muddled structure based on optimism and love; when I get depressed or overwhelmed or lose my momentum, it's difficult to keep that tenuous card castle that is my faith from blowing away. I don't want to say that religion and spirituality are cop-outs -- they aren't. They're integral parts of billions of lives. Mine included. I simply don't have the spiritual stamina to keep my chin up when Carrie has cancer and my cousin is ill with who knows what.

It's difficult to enjoy the satisfaction of finishing papers and the termination of the term. I can't say I've known Carrie long or in significant depth, but the beauty of the Steller community is such that I didn't have to. Before I met Carrie, I knew all about her. I cheered when she went to Florida because they have an excellent music school, again, before I met her -- news from Areli, mostly. Now I'm not sure what to think. Am I allowed to be this way?

And I wish to god that I could get the image of my coz, sitting in his room doing nothing with a forlorn scowl on his face -- doctor's orders.

I've been feeling so awful lately on top of all of this. Old befuddlements are coming back again, and despite their name, they're no good. They're draining. They're depressing.

I caught myself wanting to go back to Anchorage the other day. Thing is, I don't. I want to go back to the state DDF tournament or Solstice, but not Anchorage. I'm not sure I can go back to Anchorage.

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