Thursday, January 22, 2004

Alienation has been the theme of the week. From inflammatory and embarrassing memes on the whiteboard in the bathroom to parental arggghhhs to the realization that I've gotten suckered into ranting all the time and not really posting on anything that is personal. Call the last one the influence of all the damn talking heads I've been reading. The second one? That's nothin' but the sweet sounds of my mother's thinly veiled criticism. She's worried that I'm not having enough fun -- failing to realize that I AM having fun. I'm just not having typical college fun. At the top of the list, well, I won't elaborate, but I'll chalk it up to the tempers and tensions of living in a dorm situation that drives so many to sheer immaturity. I'm trying so hard to not take cheap shots or lose my cool. SO HARD. In fact, I'm trying not to lose my cool in general.

Paradoxical supreme: If I try to make people happy with what I do, I go neurotic from the constant conflicts of interest and crises of conscience. Conversely, if I just say fuck 'em, I isolate myself and get lonely. Gauging from my experience so far, I've treaded the line just enough to make the parents of old friends to think I'm an independent spirit, but remain true to my neurosis. Must. Relax.

Mantra: People will think ill or well of me regardless of what I do, so I should do what I think is right.

Mantra: My mother is my mother. Not my guidance counselor. (If she were my guidance counselor, would I listen anyhow?)

Mantra: There's nothing wrong with not partying myself blind.

Mantra: I am an adult. Therefore, I can do whatever I want. Maybe I'll go to prison, but it's nice to know that my options are open.

Mantra: I will not be afraid to say what's on my mind.

Mantra: Insecurities are natural.

Mantra: Ommmm.....

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